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One of those Mondays

Monday, 1 August 2011

        There’s a lot of stress at work right now with a major computer crash and all the attendant havoc a complete system washout causes.  I think I am the one experiencing the most stress about it actually and I can’t place my finger on why. I have looked at it from every angle and honestly the best I can come up with is that it is just “one of those things” that the daily anxiety rears it’s head & pounces on to jack me up.  Because when I look at it logically I know all it boils down to is a lot of data entry.  No one is gonna die from it and while it slows some of the office productivity etc. it is not the end of the world.

        Days like this are really tough for me as the anxiety can normally be overwhelming which can make it extremely hard for me to focus and stay on task.  Why?  Because there is this persistent anxiety in the foreground telling me to duck, cover, run, hit something over the head or just freaking hide and do it yesterday! 

        With being on the Anafranil (Generic: Clomipramine) the anxiety is still there but just in the background more so now.  The meds give me the ability to take a step back and assess where the anxiety is coming from instead of rushing head long into fight or flight.  There are still days that I struggle more than others, like today.  On those days the doctor wants me to back up the Anafranil with Klonopin (Generic: Clonazepam) instead of upping the dose on the Anafranil since I am already having a lot of side effect issues from it.  I am all on board with not upping that stuff if possible! 

        So, there’s a catch however.  The catch is that I don’t want to take the Klonopin but try to control the remaining anxiety without it.  I can do it sometimes and I never know until I try.  Not to mention, adding the Klonipin makes me drowsy about half the time.  These are the moments I wish they would give me a freaking prescription for Xanax (Generic: Alprazolam).  I never had drowsiness side effects or any other side effects with Xanax and since I didn’t take it daily or even weekly usually there was no risk of addiction for me.  I took it only when the anxiety would ramp up so far I could barely move.  This is true of how I take the Klonopin but I have gotten a bit better about taking it sooner and knowing my limitations of what I can handle better now.

        Yes, I know taking it sooner would have been more helpful but truthfully, with a long history of drug and alcohol issues, which ended with my getting clean over 15 years ago, I am not one to just pop a pill to solve  a problem.  That is one of the things that my doctor mostly understands and is simultaneously frustrated with about me because more often than not I wait longer than I should to take medicines.  I told her from the beginning that I understand that medicine is not a cure all and that I still have a lot of foot work and such to do.  I truly believe that.  I also think that we are too centered on “the medicines will fix me” in our culture and many people forget that there is work to do simultaneously with taking medicines…no matter what they are for. *slips my soapbox back under my chair*

        Moving along…

        So, I am working to stay as focused as I am able to today and get the work done slated for the day and plan for the work later in the evening.  I am feeling hopeful about my book again.  Trinity and I went to tea the other day and talked about where I am stuck and ways to get out of the hole there.  The weekend was busy enough that I didn’t get to any of them but I did get some other writing done that I have had running around my head for the blog here. 🙂

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