Energy Rollercoaster

         I am so jacked up right now! It’s 1am and I have to be up at 7:30am. This is not good…never is no matter how much I tell myself that it feels good and I like it. Ok, part of me loves it I have to admit that…the rush, the adrenaline, the high brought on by my own body that has nothing to do with anything external. That’s my rebellious teenager side that could stay up all night drinking, partying, screwing around, crash for an hour and be up to do another 23hrs while doing a full load of classes and two jobs. Well, I am not 17 any more and I need more than an hour of sleep no matter what my anxious, wired, wild brain likes to tell me on nights like this. I feel like I can go for days and days like this…and I can…but oh man will the crash SUCK.

        When my head is like this I can hone in on one or two things and just cycle them again and again.  Songs, games, videos, etc.  Anything that keeps me wired and ramped up and I get stuck in the cycle of it.  I have listened to “Ohh Ahh“ by Grits like 12 times since I sat down about 20min ago.  It’s the beat of the music I get stuck in and the rhythm of it.  It can also make me stay in one spot for a little while if the tunes are on my computer instead of my MP3. 

        I spent an hour after I got home tonight from my meeting (that I didn’t want to go to in the first place but then was immensely glad I did) searching for a misplaced thumb drive.  I ransacked the house (which I will have to now clean up) and still didn’t find the damn thing.  [It has important files on it (I think) that I really need for work and if I can’t find it I will have to do an crap ton of data entry when we get our new computer system after last week’s major crash and burn where we lost all data.]  I finally planted myself with the Grits tune to keep me in one place while I tried to write this out.

        Times like this are when I long to have someone in my life that will just walk up behind me, snatch me by the nape of the neck or hair and make me stand still until I get a frigging grip!  But then there I go again looking for someone/something else to take the decision out of my hands.  I also know that I should have tried taking the Klonopin when this started and I wouldn’t be this wired and ready to clean my house out from one end to the other.  *sighs* 

        I love the energy rush that I get when I lock in and am in an obsessive mode.  I would be lying if I said I didn’t.  I have that anxious feeling this evening but with the medicine it’s not as bad as it usually is and just feels like the tag end of an adrenaline dump and my stomach being a little off.  Here’s hoping it will lessen soon and I can get some sleep!