Taking My Seat

        There is something I have been pushing to the back of my consciousness for a while due to health and life stuff. The massacre in Orlando this past weekend forced me to look at it head on. Hearing the news Monday morning threw me completely off the rails and I shut down for several days. (We had been out of town and off all media so were unaware on Sunday.)

        I finally started to get back on the tracks and I just keep tearing up and trying to sort things out in my head/heart. I am crying now trying to write this and have to keep stopping.

        I know I don’t get out a lot to events in general and even fewer LGBT focused events, so people form perceptions. I also know that many see me as straight because I am with a male partner now. The truth is I am a member of the LGBT community and have been my whole life; even when it wasn’t always safe for me to say so. I don’t need to justify my place in the community but I realized of late I feel like I do. I know much of that is perception and not necessarily fact. This horrific event has made me face that I feel the lack of being a physical part of my LGBT family on a regular basis.

        My partner doesn’t keep me from going to events, if anything he encourages me. I often feel out of place at events held in bars because of being in recovery. I am not worried about drinking, it’s just not my favorite environment any more. No judgement at all and I support everyone’s right to party as they like! 😉 I haven’t been able to make it to Pride in so long I don’t even remember how long, due to health and life miasma.

        Even though I am often not there in person I am there in spirit every damned time any of us come together. My heart is in Orlando broken into a million pieces right now. I don’t want to talk about guns, religion or legislation. There will be time for all of that very soon. Right now I just want to cradle the souls of the departed loves, brothers, sisters, children, spouses, partners, friends, fathers and mothers to help ease their passing and give comfort to those left behind. I can only do that be sending my heart there in its shattered state so there are enough pieces for everyone I hope. One day I hope we will never have to share this kind of grief again. One day I hope we can be safe anywhere in this world no matter who we love, what we believe and who we are.

        So even though you don’t see me out at events, etc. very often I haven’t left. I am still here. I am still standing beside you, supporting you, loving you and grieving with you. Until we finally see the day where there is no more persecution and senseless murder because of who we are I am fighting with you to help make that day come sooner rather than later!