Loss and the Doubt Monster

The last several weeks have been a lot about loss and gain. Some of you may have noticed that I didn’t post last week. Honestly it was because I was just so far down in the dumps I didn’t have anything good to say. Sometimes for me there comes a point where it’s just a good policy to step away from the keyboard for a while and last week was one of those times.

I generally spend a lot of time thinking about loss, death and the whole process around grieving; probably more than most people. That’s not to say that I am maudlin because I’m definitely not. Overall, I tend to be a pretty upbeat person. I experienced a lot of death, loss and grief at an early age because many of the people in my family were much older. Being the thinker that I am I started very early trying to make more sense out of death and the grief process than just the misery of it all. Which was a good thing because death, loss and grief have been no strangers in my life.

I studied many different spiritual practices over the years from the one that I was brought up with, Southern Baptist, to Eastern practices, Christianity in general, and many indigenous tribal customs from America and other countries. I have also studied many modern techniques around dealing with grief and death. I want to make a point here that not all grief comes from death we can grieve many things though death often is chief among them.

Currently I’m grieving the loss of some friends and acquaintances to death. I find that I am also grieving my independence and honestly a little bit of my misspent youth. There’s nothing like some major health challenges to make you take a look at how you spent your youth and how you are spending your time now. It will also make you look at your independence, how much you value it, how much of it you can retain and regain, if any at all.

This is the first time in my life I’ve ever grieved that misspent youth even a little bit and wondered if I hadn’t done some things differently if I wouldn’t be where I am now with my health. I have tried to live my life without having a great deal of regret and I am sure that once I get past this stuck point in my life I’ll go back to that. But just for this little space in time I feel tiny stabs of regret and I wonder “what if”.

The truth is that none of that has anything to do with my health challenges and I know it. But this insidious monster of doubt creeps in through the cracks and crevices my illnesses leave behind. What if I hadn’t been an addict young? What if I had been kinder to my body and not done all those full contact sports, etc.? What if? What if? What if? Some people say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I say it’s paved with those two little words.

I’ve always laughed on some level about my misspent youth while at the same time being grateful for it. All of the misadventures, just downright bad decisions and convictions of being indestructible led me to a lot of great truths in my life. Those truths have allowed me to be of service to others whether individually or whole communities at a time. I honestly would not trade that for anything. I never had kids and I had a dear friend tell me once that all of the people I have mentored or helped are my kids in a way. That moment made it all worth it and still does; every single day. I wouldn’t go back and undo any of it to be in a different place today because overall, I really love who I am and how I move through the world. So, go take a hike you doubt monster because I have things to do besides babysit you!