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Risk & Gain

Monday, 14 March 2011

I woke up a couple hours ago from a nightmare and have not been able to go back to sleep because of it. It wasn’t about monsters or dying or anything like that; those I can survive. It was about betrayal of a dear friend; being casually thrown away as if I was nothing but a footnote in their life. That I had simply been there for their use to further their life and really meant nothing to them. I woke hurt, angry, scared and crushed all at the same time.  I reached over and flipped on my light rapidly in hopes to shove back the darkness that was encroaching on my heart.  It did not work. The longer I lay there, the heavier my heart and the worse I felt.

Yes, I knew it to be a dream but how often do our dreams speak snippets of truth to us?  How often does our subconscious reach out and tap us on the shoulder while we sleep and we wake thinking it only an ephemeral nothingness once we are conscious?  Is my unconscious mind trying to save my tender heart from another lashing?  I find myself on this pillory again and again in life.  I think it rather normal if we are to interact on deep, intimate levels with other creatures.  We have to bare parts of our hearts and souls to the ones we want to have a genuine connection with.    To know someone intimately we must give what we ask for in return I believe.  To do so comes with a deeper risk than those we keep on the surface.

Nothing worth having comes without some inherent risk, whether it be to us physically, emotionally or to some of our basic level of needs.  Am I willing to risk a piece of my heart to know someone better?  Am I willing to risk a little sleep to answer my id’s concerns at 3am?  Am I willing to step out on that limb and risk it breaking beneath me so that I can have a breathtaking view?

I absolutely am willing!

Should I fall, will I blame the other person?  Will I castigate them? Will I shame them and point fingers?  Will I bemoan the outcome, wailing and gnashing my teeth?

No, I shall not.  I will nurse my wounded heart back to full health. To live life, to experience love, passion, tenderness, joy, ecstasy and suck the marrow out you have to take some risks.  Taking those risks are my responsibility and it means that if I step out and take the chance then I am responsible for my part in the adventure.

To set the record straight, you can nurse your heart back to full health, you never lose those pieces completely.  They come back to you in the lessons you learn, the experiences you revel in and take with you throughout the rest of your life.  The pieces that you rebuild from may not be the same as when you gave them out.  But, if you bring them home, clean them up and polish them, I find that they tend to be even better and stronger than when you sent them out into the world.

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