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Paying Back – Paying it Forward

Sunday, 21 August 2011

       I am floored about all of the opportunities and people that are circulating into my life lately.  I think it has a lot to do with letting go of some of the things I was clutching on to.  That has freed up a lot of energy.  And I am just trying to be open to what the universe brings. 

        I have to keep reminding myself that I am not who I used to be.  I have worked hard, especially over the last 15 years to become the person that I am today even though I am sure there are people who think I have done a crap job…many of them in my own family.  I know who I am and I like me most days so what others think, including my family, doesn’t really matter.  I am not saying I don’t value what other people think, just that I don’t base who I am on it any more.

        I am very fortunate to have wonderful friends, family of choice and recovery in my life.  People often say to me that I am surrounded by a lot of great people and my response is usually something along the lines of “I really am and it is wonderful.  I have designed my life to have people like them in it.”  That may sound kind of pompous but it’s not intended that way.  What I mean more than anything is that I have tried to be open to what life brings to me.  I see everything and everyone in my life as an opportunity to learn, grow and continue to evolve into the person that ultimately want to be. 

        People who are negative, energy drains, constantly in the middle of drama and rabid attention seekers don’t make it very long around me if at all because I tend to steer away from them out of the gate.  Some get past and I find out a bit down the road what/who they are.  Usually I just fade out from them but there are times that if I think it will do them (and me) any good I talk to them and let them know why I am leaving their life.  My ex-husband is a good example here.  Many times people don’t want to or aren’t ready to hear what I say but at least I have been honest with them. 

        Who am I to have the right to say something to people about their behavior?  I am the person living this life who has worked hard to live a very examined life. When I got off track some years ago I was fortunate enough to have people who cared enough to turn and say something to me about the things I was doing.  I scoffed at them, turned away from them, condemned them just as some people do to me when I say what is on my mind.  They cared enough to try to talk to me anyway and I am eternally grateful for that. 

        The only way that I can pay them back is to give away freely what they gave to me. That means that I do spend a lot of time with people who want to talk to me about living an examined life, who want to start their own discovery into themselves.  Some get it and many don’t but that’s ok because it isn’t up to me if they get it or not.  My job is to share information and what I have learned and been given.  That’s it.  Simple sounding job eh? lol  It is not simple most of the time and I marvel at the people who had the patience to keep helping me when I was such an ass to them and convinced that they didn’t know a damn thing about my life and who were they to tell me that I had work to do?

        If it were simple all the time there wouldn’t be much to glean from that now would there? 

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