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Tactical Retreat

Wednesday, 12 July 2017

So unintentionally I have been out of the loop for over a month thanks to tech and health issues.

My laptop conked out on me so I can only post from my desktop…which if there’s days I feel less than neutral I don’t make it to sitting down at. There’s been a lot more feeling less than good days of late so there’s been very little writing or posting. I know I feel better when I am writing and have tried to write some in my paper journal over the last month but ended up petering out on that too.

I have been struggling with all the miasma of feelings that come up with my physical & mental health stuff. Of course, when the physical is overwhelming it triggers the psychological stuff…fun times for all! I am dealing with the disability filing and all the stuff that dredges up; you wouldn’t think it would but boy does it dredge stuff up. I have been repeatedly besieged by thoughts of worthiness and failure due to my health. I mean really? I know my health doesn’t define my worth but all the feelings are a definite slippery slope and easy to crash down face first.

Add to all that jumble that I am also helping to put together two weekend long workshops and one of them is a retreat. The retreat comes to fruition in August and the other is in October. I feel kinda of great about the things that I have been able to do for both events to help get the foundation under them for long term stability. I am awesome at that kind of work and I truly do enjoy it.

There is still a good bit to do in order to really firm up the foundational work but I think we are all up to the task. For me, as much as I can do far in advance it helps reduce stress at the time of the event. Because something always comes up right at event time, that’s got to be some sort of universal law that there must be at least one thing to go wonky. Lol

I realized the other day that everything had just overwhelmed me and I had beat a tactical retreat into my bunker. I get frustrated with how over stimulation from everything, even the good stuff, can cause me to basically short out. When that happens my auto save response is to turtle up. I had worked so hard to get past this and I feel like I am regressing over the last year or so.

Time to update the battle plan! More work on not automatically retreating not to mention actually being able to recognize sooner that I am in tactical retreat mode. I know I can do this and I know I need to get back to reaching out to others even when it feels terrifying. I can do it alone but we do better together.


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