The Struggle IS Real

I was talking to a very close friend recently about why I hate to tell people when I am struggling with something or something is “wrong”. My reaction to their reactions is difficult for me. Many times people’s reactions are something along the lines of “Oh my gosh! I am so sorry!” or “Wow! I am sorry you are suffering so much!” etc.

I think I was really born in the Midwest and somehow switched at birth to the South. I have this severe reticence when it comes to anyone expressing concern in my direction. I want to run and hide, I want to assure the person/people that it’s really ok, there is no reason for them to be distressed on my account. There are plenty of people out there who are really suffering. Yes, I am (at least currently) experiencing what I consider to be a decent amount of pain and discomfort most days but I don’t think I am “suffering”.

I was informed by my friend that this is not some zero sum thing. That just because there are others suffering more than me doesn’t negate what I am going through or mean that people can’t care about me. I guess a lot of it boils down to point of view for me and the fact that I am a severe literalist. When I think “suffering” I think damn near dying. However, I digress.

The point of this is about my reaction to the reactions of others. I am distinctly uncomfortable when others are troubled by something that is going on with me. Therefore I tend to not tell people things that are bothersome to most. The people who are very close to me eventually get it out of me. To say I play things close to the vest would be a bit of an understatement. I never realized until last year how true that was actually.

I tend to think of myself as kind of an open book honestly. Why? Well, because if you ask me a question about myself I generally will answer it. However, I don’t go around blowing my own horn all the time. The idea of posting something on here that told very intimate details of my life totally weirds me out. Though others see my postings as intimate, which on some level they are, but not the daily minutiae that I consider to be the very intimate details of life. I am simultaneously a bit fascinated and weirded out when others can do it.

So, I have finally learned to take compliments with grace. Apparently now I have to learn to figure out how to not run and hide, whether physically, mentally or emotionally when people react when they find out about what is going on with me. Well, at least life is never boring and there are always new lessons to learn!