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Kink from Then to Now

Sunday, 9 October 2011

It’s interesting to me to think about my “story” about getting involved in kink, BDSM, WIITWD, etc.  I was a pretty young kid when I started having what I think of now as just normal thoughts about sex.  I thought back then that no one else though the way I did and so kept it mostly to myself.  When I was 15 I was riffling through my sister’s stuff…like you do…and came across this book that intrigued me.  It had a plain white cover with a small blue border with the title printed simply on the front.  I had not seen a more modern book printed so simply and it drew my attention from the others kept in her dressing table, hidden away.  I pulled it out and flipped it open to a random page.  That was when my world got a little bit bigger.  I read about things I had only barely thought about in that particular sense.  But I do remember feeling like “Wow! I am not the only one who thinks this way!  I had discovered that I wasn’t alone and I wanted to know more.

I devoured The Story of O, which I had stolen from my sister, that afternoon sitting in my bedroom and soon went on a hunt for more stories like it.  You have to remember that there was not a thriving internet then so I couldn’t just log onto my computer and Google information.  I started by feeling out people I knew to see if any of them were into what I was into.  Over the next several years I would be involved with my first dominant partner and my desire for more and my lack of good information would get me into and out of situations that sometimes today I wonder how I got so lucky.

I never really questioned in the beginning that I was submissive or a slave, it was just a given for me like the fact that I have grey eyes.  As the years went by and things didn’t go the way I wanted or hoped and my illusions came crashing down again and again I became frustrated with BDSM and relationships that incorporated it.  BDSM wasn’t failing me, I was failing myself.  I was trying to cram my growth as a person into the context of d/s relationships in hopes that they would fix me.  I don’t care who you are, if this is what you bring to the table in any relationship you are doing it wrong.  I proved that out by marrying into a vanilla relationship.  After about 5 years I knew I couldn’t give up kink.  After another 5 years I knew I could give up my husband and get busy living the life of the person I had wanted to be since I was a kid.  I tried switching and had my own submissives over time.  While this was fulfilling in its own way for me what I got out of it the most was that I wasn’t dominant; I am a sadist pure and simple and I am also submissive.

I’ve been really involved in the Atlanta community more and more over the last several years and I love it.  I love that we have so many munches in our city and that you can find one in almost any part of town you are in.  Being of service to the community, education and outreach are really important to me.  Those are things that are important to me throughout my life; kinky and non-kinky.

Well, I am not one for labels and boxes but it seems that everyone wants to know how you identify.  I identify as me.  Hi, I am Mags and I am kinky…however that looks on any given day.  I like how my roommate puts it best “Go ahead, put me in a box.  I have a knife and will just cut a hole and crawl out.”  That makes me laugh every time because I can see myself doing just that!

So, today I fully embrace that I am submissive, sadistic, a slave, a slut, service oriented, loud, goofy, outspoken, active, a big ideas girl, an educator, a counselor, a mentor, a good friend if you make it into my inner circle, a great acquaintance if you are in the outer circle, an activist, community oriented (for real), I loath drama with an unmitigated passion, if I think you’re an ass I will tell you so, I am absolutely NOT a doormat (if you try to order me around and you’re not my dominant you are likely to get a very rude retort or at the least a look that says “I know you aren’t trying to be uber domly dom with me!) and sooooo many other things.  I am not a “conventional” slave and not everyone’s cuppa tea and I am totally ok with that.  I have the attitude of if you aren’t ok with me that is fine; I will go my way and you can go yours and we can still be nice to one another on a human level.

The journey of my life and where I “fit in” to kink or where it fits into me is ongoing every day.  I am at my core a “what you see is what you get” kind of person.  Some days I still struggle with my gender fluidity and how the people around me react to that but most days I know it’s just who I am and I am 100% right with it.  Most of the rest of my kinks have settled into place over the 25 years since I discovered that I wasn’t the only one with these wickedly wild ideas but by no means does that mean I can’t find new ones! This is an ongoing journey and just a part of who I am.  I wake up every day and look forward to the next day of life and my explorations!

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