Bullheaded Masochist, That’s Me!
Uuuuuuugh I fricking hurt!
Last night I happily helped a dear friend last night accomplish some important projects. I pushed past what I should have done because I get going and ignore my body: unwise. I loved helping out and glad we got things accomplished that they really needed done. By not listening to my body however there is always a hefty price these days. By the time I got home around 1am I could barely walk. There was a cool shower followed by Deep Blue and pain meds before bed so that I could sleep. This morning was a super hot shower to try and wash away the pain meds grog, Deep Blue rub and a good long session with the TENS unit to get me moving again.
Because I am bullheaded and a masochist I was still determined to get done what we had originally scheduled for today. I know, I know…
However, in exchange for more massive body pain, what was formerly the dog’s/mud (literally) room – we now have a usable guest room/play room and art studio for me! I would jump up and down in excitement if I could move more than my fingers right now!
It’s about 70% done if you don’t count painting the room and the closet purge (which I am not currently). I have to finish staining the dresser to go in that room (which holds art supplies of course lol). Staining is on the docket for early tomorrow morning before the heat hits, if I am able to move that is. I wanted to get it done today but I am so far out of spoons I will be lucky to get it done tomorrow. I could probably push through and do it tonight but I am already paying for last night and today so pushing it would just be even more exceedingly stupid.
I still have to put away all my art supplies on shelves etc in the room while purging (1/3 of the closet is art supplies too). That should be fun and inspirational for projects though; at least that is what I am focusing on it being! 
When we finally decide on a color we will just have to do a wall at a time. I prefer to paint with an empty room but you know at this point I will take what I can get! lol
I can still do things even though I am majorly physically challenged these days and I will most likely pay for this little escapade for the next several days. The thing is, you still have to live life and get stuff done when you have chronic illness & pain. I am still learning the balance of doing it a tiny bit at a time versus kill myself for a while and get it done sooner but pay a much more massive penalty. I really have been trying to do a little bit at a time. The problem there is I feel like I get a tiny bit ahead and then a major wave comes through and I am further back than I was to start with. That’s when I reach the fed up point usually and go for broke like this.
I can definitely be a slow learner and bullheaded. Last night and today were hopefully worth it and I do feel accomplished. Tomorrow is back to working on the little steps and balance work!
But now, it is now time for a nice long shower to wash away the sweat & grime followed by more TENS unit, Deep Blue, being horizontal in the bed curled up with the kitties purring me to sleep.
Tactical Retreat
So unintentionally I have been out of the loop for over a month thanks to tech and health issues.
My laptop conked out on me so I can only post from my desktop…which if there’s days I feel less than neutral I don’t make it to sitting down at. There’s been a lot more feeling less than good days of late so there’s been very little writing or posting. I know I feel better when I am writing and have tried to write some in my paper journal over the last month but ended up petering out on that too.
I have been struggling with all the miasma of feelings that come up with my physical & mental health stuff. Of course, when the physical is overwhelming it triggers the psychological stuff…fun times for all! I am dealing with the disability filing and all the stuff that dredges up; you wouldn’t think it would but boy does it dredge stuff up. I have been repeatedly besieged by thoughts of worthiness and failure due to my health. I mean really? I know my health doesn’t define my worth but all the feelings are a definite slippery slope and easy to crash down face first.
Add to all that jumble that I am also helping to put together two weekend long workshops and one of them is a retreat. The retreat comes to fruition in August and the other is in October. I feel kinda of great about the things that I have been able to do for both events to help get the foundation under them for long term stability. I am awesome at that kind of work and I truly do enjoy it.
There is still a good bit to do in order to really firm up the foundational work but I think we are all up to the task. For me, as much as I can do far in advance it helps reduce stress at the time of the event. Because something always comes up right at event time, that’s got to be some sort of universal law that there must be at least one thing to go wonky. Lol
I realized the other day that everything had just overwhelmed me and I had beat a tactical retreat into my bunker. I get frustrated with how over stimulation from everything, even the good stuff, can cause me to basically short out. When that happens my auto save response is to turtle up. I had worked so hard to get past this and I feel like I am regressing over the last year or so.
Time to update the battle plan! More work on not automatically retreating not to mention actually being able to recognize sooner that I am in tactical retreat mode. I know I can do this and I know I need to get back to reaching out to others even when it feels terrifying. I can do it alone but we do better together.
Netflix you outright FAILED!
Please, Think BEFORE You Speak.
Alright kids, it’s time for some education and hopefully enlightenment.
If I am in your store, shop, library, bank or wherever and I try to politely and gently educate you on how to act around a service dog let me tell you something important now. If someone is trying to educate you on etiquette that means you already crossed the line. So if you are being educated, the first words out of your mouth should not be “I used to (or currently) train service dogs.” Why? Because. if you did or do train service dogs, we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all. Please stop and think for a second before you speak that phrase in response. When the aforementioned words come out of your mouth when someone is trying to help you with service dog etiquette it makes you look like an idiot. Why? Because it then makes it look like you just don’t care about the rights of someone with a service dog and are being willfully dismissive of their rights because you feel you know better.
I do not have a service dog myself but spend a good deal of time around people who are close to me that do. I also have disabilities myself that may lead me to one day needing a service dog so this is a topic close to my heart.
Now, let’s try to get some tiny bit of perspective on what it’s like to be a regular person who happens to have a disability or disabilities living their day to day life.
Where in the World Was Mags?
So, there was this wedding that happened.
Then I fell off the face of the Earth for a few weeks. I used up all of my spoons and then some getting ready for the big weekend. My body let me know exactly what it thought of all the spoon usage post wedding and I 
crashed and burned. It was worth every single spoon used though!
The weather was wonderful the day of the wedding. We were surrounded by many in our fabulous family of choice and couldn’t have asked for a nicer ceremony that was uniquely us. The wedding brunch the day after at Manual’s Tavern was splendid and there was so much love, laughter and joy. We are absolutely blessed in so many ways!
We were so busy taking pictures with everyone that we forgot to get some pictures of just the two of us! lol
I can’t put pictures of everyone up but here’s just a few to share some of that shining happy.
I am back mostly upright and slowly getting back on track thank goodness! 🙂
But, It Will Make It Better…Maybe
So I have been wonky as heck since last Thursday night’s trip to the ER. The weekend was spent trying to find some way to be physically comfortable without really any success. I got froggy and thought I could make it out to a munch on Sunday; BAD idea. For which I am admittedly known for on occasion, especially as pertains to my thinking I can tank something I shouldn’t. You think I would have learned by this point… 
Sadly, not so much apparently. So, back home I came Sunday to crash & burn. Monday brought with it a host of things I, again, thought I was up for. Going to get Michael’s taxes done (3+ hour ordeal), taking his car to the shop and then off to the cardiologist. I went in feeling fairly confident to the appointment and came out feeling not so much. *sigh*
Bless the doctor, really and truly. He said my EKG matches the one from 2yrs ago almost exactly. However he can’t use the stress test from 2yrs ago even though it was fine at the time too. (Can’t agree more with him.) Read more…
A Wedding Prep Uplift!
My wedding dress and shoes arrived Thursday before we left for the ER! (Hey, at least the day wasn’t a total wash.)
The shoes fit and are really comfortable! I haven’t tried on the dress yet as I just haven’t had the spoons. I am not a shoe junkie by any means. Seriously, I wear the same pair of shoes just about day in and day out until they have to be replaced and they are usually sneakers or Birkenstocks. Read more…
Nothing Like a Heart Attack Scare
Warning, fair amount of cursing ahead…
I have been really out of the loop the last several days because Thursday night into the wee hours of Friday morning we were at the emergency room for me. Chest/arm/shoulder/neck pain, cold sweats, severe nausea, light headed & fatigue that started Wednesday night are what sent me there.
As always this was a time I had to be my best self patient advocate even though I felt like I had been run over by a train. Even though I know a lot of the stuff is in my medical file at the hospital I also know they skim over and miss stuff, important stuff. So as always I am trying to make sure they know the important things when all I really want someone to do it make the damn pain stop.
They did an EKG, drew blood & chest xray. Why do they always try to move the needle when the blood stops flowing into the tube when I told them NOT to before we started? It never works on me & I end up with a nasty bruise/swelling that doesn’t go down for days.
Thanks for not listening to me phlebotomist…
Once I finally got back to see a doctor he let me know that the tests they had so far all came back ok but they were still waiting on one test. Though he also delivered the good news that he was going to give me something for the nausea & pain. Sweet hallelujah! He asked if I wanted a pill or a shot. Let’s see after hours & hours of pain, the shot DUH… Read more…
Most Days…..
Most days….
I am thrilled and grateful to have my program, my tools and a good paradigm to work from.
Then there are the days where I have to do really tough things that mark me as an adult who tries to lead a healthy life. These things can be really uncomfortable to downright painful. In those moments, some days, I wish I got to be like people who don’t have a program and just get to be pissed of at everyone else and blame other people, etc.
In truth, when the dust clears, I will still be glad to have my recovery, the tools, a good base that I work from and I will be thrilled for the opportunity at growth to being a better me.
However, right now, in this moment, in the middle of the sandstorm it hurts. I am tired of getting hit with rocks & crap and I am just tired. I know in the morning I am going to have to start looking at what it is in me that brings me back to this place & how I end up here again. But for tonight, I just have to feel the pain and make peace with it.
Amazingly this really only has to do with food in that all the feelings really made me want to act out…I have managed so far not to. I just mostly needed to share about the fact that some days being self actualized and on a path of growth can be painful as well.
Unruly Body Tuesday
Well if I am honest that’s more like an every day thing. Today was weird because I felt like I was on speed and going 1000mph. However my pulse was normal and I wouldn’t have said no to a nap. So the brain is going bonkers but the body can’t back it up….nothing new there!
Went to see my doctor for my quarterly check up for the OCD meds. She wants me to see the cardiologist as soon as I am back on insurance to check on the panic attacks. She isn’t saying that it is cardio related but since we can’t pin the panic attacks to any triggering events or other stimuli she wants me check out since symptoms can be similar. NONE of the usual things I do to decrease or stop the panic attacks work, up to and including my emergency, last ditch meds (though those do dull it a bit some of the time). Read more…
Free Range Brain 